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Old 05-19-09, 10:18 PM
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Top 10: Stupid Deaths

Top 10: Stupid Deaths
By Larry Boa

The top 10 stupidest ways to die

I wondered the other day if it might be possible to measure the depths of the human soul. I decided it probably wasn’t, and that it was a stupid question.

Then I wondered if the depths of human stupidity might somehow be measurable. Well, I told myself, first I'd have to establish what qualifies as stupid and what doesn’t, in effect using my own high level of intelligence as a watermark for the rest of mankind. This seemed fair enough.

So what follows are the results of my search: I looked for people who died at the hands of their own stupidity in such an embarrassing fashion they were probably still blushing even after the onset of rigor mortise.

Number 10
Ohtaj Humbat Ohli Makhmudov
1961 - 2006
Death by: Faith

Makhmudov was a 45-year-old Azerbaijani man who went to the Kiev Zoo in the Ukraine to prove a point.

Climbing down into a den that held four lions, he shouted out, "God will save me, if he exists!" A lioness, perhaps under God’s orders to tighten the human gene pool, seized his throat and severed his carotid artery, killing him swiftly.

Too swiftly, if you ask me. I think his stupidity earned him a few moments to reflect on all the many consequences of his actions.

Number 9
Brent Tyler and Chelsea Tumbleston
1986 - 2007
Death by: Young love

Brent Tyler and Chelsea Tumbleston (both 21) worked together as waiters at the Wild Wing Café in Columbia, South Carolina. Now this is the Deep South: You must understand that here, lovebirds follow strict courtship rituals. Brent told Chelsea she was pretty as a picture. Her heart a-pitter-patter, Chelsea told Brent he was a most worthy gentleman caller. Then they went for a midnight f*ck on the roof.

We know they waited to get naked until reaching the building’s metallic pyramid-shaped roof because their clothes were found there. Their nude bodies were not so lucky, discovered lifeless on the street 50 feet below.

Number 8
Alex Mitchell
1925 - 1975
Death by: Fatal hilarity

Fifty-year-old Englishman and bricklayer Alex Mitchell was watching The Goodies, a surreal, slapstick British comedy on the telly in the ‘70s and ‘80s. In this episode, a kilt-wearing Scotsman uses his bagpipes to fight a mean-spirited stretch of sausage.

Mitchell began to laugh and laugh (who can blame him?), but things got serious when he was still laughing a full 25 minutes later. Things got even more serious when he dropped dead, a victim of heart failure.

Then things lightened up a bit, and we all enjoyed a laugh, but don’t feel bad: It’s what Alex would’ve wanted.

Number 7
Lee Seung Seop
1977 - 2005
Death by: Idiocy exacerbated by body odor that metastasized into a biohazard

Seop was an unemployed boiler repairman whose girlfriend ditched him because he loved video games more than he loved her. In response, Seop hit a local internet café and began playing the real-time strategy game Starcraft. Fifty straight hours later, having neglected even basic hydration, he dropped dead from heart failure.

Rookie. I bet his campaign failed too because he built a Vespene Gas Extractor before building an Overlord and Spawning Pool. Or no, let me guess, he deployed a troop of High Templars without researching Psionic Storm.

A Chinese man died in 2007 after a similar three-day binge. Are these sickening displays of uncontrollable and spastic indulgence what the founders of the Nerd Revolution had in mind when they took over civilization?

Number 6
Jennifer Strange
1979 - 2007
Death by: DJ

Jennifer Strange was a contestant in Sacramento radio KDND’s "Hold Your Wee for a Wii” contest, put on by the three dip-sh*t DJs of the "Morning Rave." Strange and others first drank lots of water (you writing this down, Seop?) and the winner of the Wii was the person who could hold their bladder the longest.

Strange can be heard on-air complaining of a severe headache, which the DJs discount as normal. One of them even muses aloud, “Can’t you get like, water poisoning and die?” Strange lost the contest and went home, where she lost her battle with water (hyperhydration).

It is hard to blame the Sacramento District Attorney, who declined to file charges against the DJs because Strange “was an adult who was voluntarily participating in the radio contest. She knew what the contest involved… and had the option to stop or discontinue her participation at any time."

Number 5
Kenneth Pinyan
1960 - 2005
Death by: Riding a saddle with a in it

Ken Pinyan and his friends loved horses, but they only cared for stallions. They were also fond of videotaping themselves loving those stallions. One night as the camera rolled, Ken was receiving the love of an adored Arabian stallion named Bullseye when Bullseye’s enormous horse-penis punched a sizeable hole in Ken’s overburdened colon. He died shortly thereafter.

When Bullseye was interviewed later that day he showed very little emotion, as horses are known to do.

Number 4
Jon-Erik Hexum
1957 - 1984
Death by: Self-get, a disorder characterized by a pressing need to be gotten by one’s self

In 1984, Hexum‘s Hollywood star was rising. Along with Jennifer O’Neill he starred on the CBS show Cover-Up, playing a fashion photographer and model who were also secret agents.

Fooling around on the set one day, Hexum put a prop .44 Magnum to his temple. Before pulling the trigger and blasting a bit of skull into his brain, he boasted, “Let's see if I get myself with this one.”

Hey, look at you, you did it. You got yourself.

Number 3
Carl McCunn
1946 - 1981
Death by: Fatal to-do list

Texan Carl McCunn was a wildlife photographer whose dreams of shooting Alaska were fulfilled in 1981. His arrangements included chartering a flight that would drop him off at a secluded Alaskan location.

Unfortunately, McCunn’s pre-departure to-do list was not quite complete and he was never picked up. Faced with starvation, he eventually killed himself, and his body was discovered with a note he’d written in which he makes a deadpan reference to that missing entry: "I think I should have used more foresight about arranging my departure."

Well, I think some foresight is a better place to start, Carl. Baby steps.

Number 2
Franz Reichelt
? - 1912
Death by: A half-gainer no-brainer

Frustrated by his inability to flap his arms and fly, Austrian tailor Franz Reichelt stitched an overcoat into a flying contraption/parachute. In February 1912, he went to Paris to test his contraption from the Eiffel Tower, informing concerned authorities he would use a dummy. At least he wasn’t a liar.

As cameras rolled, an equipped Reichelt stood at the edge of the Tower’s 60-meter deck for an excruciating doubt-plagued 45 seconds before jumping. According to the math, over the next four seconds his descent velocity reached the impressive rate of about 39.6 meters (128 feet) per second. Then he died.

The footage ends with some joker measuring the hole Reichelt’s body made in the ground. This guy had no faith in Reichelt’s contraption; why else would you bring measuring tape to the Eiffel Tower?

Number 1
Garry Hoy
1955 - 1993
Death by: Natural laws -- i.e. gravity, conservation of energy, momentum, probability, etc.

Need a good lawyer joke? Look no further.

Garry Hoy, a middle-aged Toronto lawyer, worked for the firm Holden Day Wilson on the 24th floor of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower. From the evidence gathered, it seems he was really, really impressed with the Tower’s glass windows. His belief in them to be unbreakable was so unshakable that he willingly threw his body against them, generally without any provocation, as a testament to the tensile strength of his faith in windows.

One night, during an after-hours party, some interns were not remotely questioning or challenging his faith, which Hoy may have read as an insult. He threw himself into a pane not once, but twice. On the second throw, as he crashed through the glass and fell to his death, he made believers of us all.
say sayonara!

Thanks to Hoy and the others, we firmly believe in the bottomless depths of human stupidity; it’s impossible to believe otherwise. - Stupid deaths
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