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  #1  
Old 03-30-07, 04:16 PM
StrangeCheez's Avatar
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Clean jokes.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife
dressed in a very Sexy
nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do
anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.

**************************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the
driveway, and ran into the
house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of
her lungs, "Honey,
pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack,
beach stuff or mountain
stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."



**************************************************



Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
always right, and the other is a husband.



**************************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a
driver's license. First,
of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The
optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

**************************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said
to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so
tired of chardonnay."

**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!
TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget
to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong
with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you
what it feels like when I'm driving."



**************************************************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina
mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic
training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his
hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a
toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his
teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
__________________
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  #2  
Old 04-08-07, 11:46 PM
MomBear's Avatar
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WHO SAYS MEN DONT REMEMBER

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today."

=====================================

BLIND MAN IN A BIKER BAR

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. A fter sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

==============================

Just Take Me To Jail

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his Equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."
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  #3  
Old 04-09-07, 11:59 AM
VDeal's Avatar
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all really good jokes. Good job everyone.
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  #4  
Old 04-09-07, 10:49 PM
MomBear's Avatar
MomBear
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MARRIED FOR A NIGHT

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I 'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we’re married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.
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  #5  
Old 04-11-07, 03:36 PM
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Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 0

^^Not really a clean joke
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