Another personal statement for residency

[bevo]

Hey, wondering if anyone would be kind of to comment on my work thus far. I am trying to create a "hook" in the first paragraph to grab the attention of the reader and provide a little background about me.
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My first memories of medicine were on a family trip to Costa Rica. We were vacationing with family along the coast when I cut myself. The closest hospital was a torturous four hour drive and the wait to see a physician was twice as long. My father elected to suture me himself. It was the first time I had seen my father practice medicine. Watching my father help me in such a tangible and deep manner made me understand why he choose to become a physician and why I knew at that point I wanted to pursue medicine. My love for medicine runs deep within my character.

Radiology is my passion. I have a strong visual disposition and radiology provides the perfect specialty to take advantage of this capability. I love the art of radiology, where not only are the normal anatomy and anatomical relationships described, but where alterations are recognized and diagnosed. I enjoy how radiology allows me the opportunity to work with patients of all ages. Whether it be interpreting a chronic condition with a chest x-ray or performing a guided aspiration of a suspected malignancy.

My time spent in my radiology elective opened my eyes to the fact that diagnostic radiology can have a significant impact on patient’s management. I was impressed by the radiologists’ breadth of knowledge and skill to interpret the various imaging modalities available. I enjoyed the interaction that radiologists had with each other as well as other physicians while they were encountering cases from the other disciplines of medicine. Watching these radiologists work motivated me to learn.

One of the areas that initially fascinated me about diagnostic radiology was its’ heavy reliance on technology because of my background in computer and internet based technologies. I am always intrigued by the new innovations and capabilities that come about in technology. Not only is it always an adventure to understand the methodology behind the new technology, but also a journey on how to best apply it. The same principles are behind radiology. With every new concept I would always want to understand how and why it worked and how it would be of an advantage to other physicians, to all my patients and ultimately to myself.

Throughout my medical academia and research opportunities, I have come to recognize radiology as an essential tool in providing and aiding in the diagnosis and treatment of patients. Working in interventional radiology has allowed me to experience and learn where the future of radiology and medicine is going. Interventional radiology has created an opportunity for radiologists to become more active participants in the treatment of patients with the ultimate goal of providing less invasive treatments, palliative care or shorter recovery times. It gives me great satisfaction to know the work I have done will someday be used to aide in the diagnosis or treatment of a patient.

As a medical student it has always been my desire to hone my skills through dedication, hard work and consistency in order to become the best physician that I can be. As a radiology resident I am eager to use those traits to gain a strong foundation in radiology. I will bring integrity, compassion and intelligence to the service of other patients and physicians.


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thanks

[Jason R]

Ugh that's always one of the hardest parts.

[RickV]

How about, "I want to be a shadow doctor, make lots of money, without actually having to touch patients."

Just kidding wit 'cha.

[SoupIsGood]

Originally Posted by bevo

Hey, wondering if anyone would be kind of to comment on my work thus far. I am trying to create a "hook" in the first paragraph to grab the attention of the reader and provide a little background about me.
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My first memories of medicine were on a family trip to Costa Rica. We were vacationing with family along the coast when I cut myself. The closest hospital was a torturous four hour drive and the wait to see a physician was twice as long. My father elected to suture me himself. It was the first time I had seen my father practice medicine. Watching my father help me in such a tangible and deep manner made me understand why he choose to become a physician and why I knew at that point I wanted to pursue medicine. My love for medicine runs deep within my character.

Well I'm bout ready to sleep and too tired to read the whole thing, but maybe I can try to help with the first paragraph. Although remember I have only recently graduated high school. I am young and dumb , and you are obviously waaayy up the ladder. Residency! That is so awesome dude. I'm hoping to get into medicine.

Anyhow, you said you wanted to create a hook.


My father elected to suture me himself.

This -really- jumps out at you and makes for a great 'hook' I think. Maybe you could emphasize this more?

I would maybe try mentioning this first, then the fact that you cut yourself, then the location, then something about your first memories of medicine. Instead of the first memories - location - cut - father suturing structure. Then maybe transition back into the impression that your father left upon you.

Just a suggestion though, I'd probably try to fit it all together in way sorta like that and see if it makes sense / is effective. It might not be. Just tossing out an idea. Nice work.




EDIT --

The closest hospital was a torturous four hour drive and the wait to see a physician was twice as long.

Actually something like this could be a killer opening sentence. Sets up a little mystery, sets the scene, and leaves you plenty of room to fill in the details and describe your father and such.


Ahhh, time for bed

[shelden]

Just mechanics here:

One of the areas that initially fascinated me about diagnostic radiology was its’ heavy reliance

You don't need the apostrophe in "its". It's(short for it is) takes an apostrophe, its (belonging to it) doesn't.

used to aide in the diagnosis or treatment of a patient.

should be "aid" (to help or assist) instead of "aide" (a person who assists)

dedication, hard work and consistency

and

integrity, compassion and intelligence

This one's iffy, but I was taught that when you list three things the format should be: one, two, and three. I'd put a comma after hard work and compassion.

[admiralsnackbar]

Watching my father help me in such a tangible and deep manner made me understand why he choose to become a physician

Change "deep" for "visceral." Deep is too broad a word, IMO.

And Shelden's suggestions are a must.

Best of luck.

[bevo]

appreciate the help. will make the changes

anyone ever used easyedge for those grammtical issues?