Relationship Advice/Help

[Pizbo]

Before I begin I need to give all of the background facts because this is a very complicated situation. It’s best to start with my last girlfriend. I started dating my previous girlfriend my sophomore year of high school up to the summer before I left for college. She was a year behind so I decided to spend that year in San Antonio going to UTSA after which I would transfer to Texas. Well as fate would have it we broke up about two weeks before class started and obviously I was very hurt since it was my first breakup. Now every single one of my good friends left San Antonio and I am a shy person so I basically way completely alone while I was dealing with this breakup. I ended up staying home all the time except for class and I found ways to keep myself from going crazy by playing games online. It eventually got to the point where I did not even want to go out anymore and was content with where I was.

In November I met my last girlfriend whom I dated for two and a half years. I was still in the mindset of staying home all the time and having a girlfriend made it that much easier for me. As time went on, this problem became worse and worse. I stopped caring about just about everything including school. It got to the point where this last semester I would not go out even if my girlfriend was throwing a party. I went out maybe once a week and that would be for dinner with my girlfriend, lets call her S. So obviously S could not take it and she broke up with my in April. Now even though I was in this state, I did always treat S well. I would spoil her and do almost everything I could to make her happy, except go out. I would also like to remind you that she is from a Korean family where tradition if important. For example they really want her to marry a Korean if possible and she isn’t to have sex before she is married. Well the second part did not happen lol.

So we broke up and for me I hit rock bottom. Even though it was about a month and a half ago, I have completely changed my life around and started doing all the things I used to do like work out, party, read, never watch t.v. and all of that.

Now this is where the problem starts, last Saturday S called so that we could exchange some of the stuff we still had of each others like she had my camera and I had her sunglasses and key. When we started talking she was obviously sad about something. I talked to her about it and she was telling me she was having guy problems. For example, she had/has a crush on this guy named Lee and they went to a formal a while ago. After the formal they were in the car and he said something like, “I’m sorry I’m taking this so slow” meaning the relationship. S then says, “That’s ok I like where we are.” meaning it is ok that they are taking it slow but he took it another way and hasn’t talked to her since. She also has another guy she has been talking to for about a week and she has a crush on him as well as he likes her. The problem there is he has a girlfriend up in Dallas and they were talking about getting married so obviously she is trying to back out. The point is she was sad about her situation.

After we talked about this I wanted to make her feel better so I went over to her place to exchange the stuff and we started talking about how we’ve been. I convince her to come to my apartment because since she left I changed a lot of things and I wanted her opinion. She was telling me how stressed she was so I started giving her a massage and things went from there as in we ended up having sex. Afterwards she kept saying how she could not be with me again because she went through so much when we were together and after we broke up. I understood that because when we broke up she told me that if we were ever to get back together it would have to take a long time because she needed to see that I am not the same person I was when we dated which I am not. So afterwards we talk more and I tell her that I’m looking for a church and she invited me to go to a Korean church with her on Sunday which did not end up happening because we both were up late at different parties. Then I tell her that if she wanted I will go dancing with her and she invited me to go with her next Saturday after her last final.

So I drove her home afterwards and we ended up doing our own thing. I saw her again on Sunday night when a friend of mine gave me some brownies from his work and I thought S would enjoy them as a study break so I brought them over to her at the university. Then on Monday I wanted to give her a nice meal so I cooked her favorite meal at her house and made a very romantic setting.

Now my question is, what should I be doing? I obviously still care for her a lot and want her back but I do not want to be so aggressive that I push her away. What kind of balance should I be looking for? I also think it’s important to know that when we did break up she told me that because of the type of person I was she did not love me anymore, but obviously we would not have hooked up on Saturday if there weren’t any feelings left.

As for me, I have made the changes in my life to not revert back to who I was. I have gone out almost every night with friends since the break up, starting working out again, as well as I have become more motivated then ever to be a doctor. All of this was started by the breakup but it is not because of the breakup. I actually took the breakup really well and really did not feel really hurt except for my ego. This all came about after seeing her on Saturday.

Thanks for reading through and please feel free to share your thoughts. I can use all the advice I can get right now.

-Doug

bty – I did talk to all of my friends but they have never been in a situation like this before.

[RickV]

Hey no offense guy, but reading this made me feel like I was watching Oprah or Dr. Phil, and I can't stand that feeling.

[phillyspurslover]

sounds to me like this was both of you using familiarity to fill a need. don't confuse this moment with, 'we should be back together.'

she already stated she doesn't feel that way.

if you feel like you've really changed and that she would like the new you, you're gonna have to show her it by being a good friend first...and as she suggessts, that is going to take time, so don't expect it to happen over night, or just b/c you had sex again.

and remember....actions speak louder than words, so don't talk about the new you...show her the new you.

[Sith Lord]

but obviously we would not have hooked up on Saturday if there weren’t any feelings left.

Not necessarily. Could be that you both just wanted "it." You knew eachothers situation, and because of past chemistry you just did "it."

Take time. Don't put too much thought into it yet. See where it goes, but understand it could have been nothing.

Sith

[Pizbo]

Originally Posted by phillyspurslover

sounds to me like this was both of you using familiarity to fill a need. don't confuse this moment with, 'we should be back together.'

she already stated she doesn't feel that way.

if you feel like you've really changed and that she would like the new you, you're gonna have to show her it by being a good friend first...and as she suggessts, that is going to take time, so don't expect it to happen over night, or just b/c you had sex again.

and remember....actions speak louder than words, so don't talk about the new you...show her the new you.

I completely understand and agree. I guess I wasn't too clear about what I was asking.

What I really want to know is how can I go about being a friend and showing her who I am without making myself too much of a friend to the point where I'm no longer an option?

I hope that makes sense.

[PHANTOM21]

if you want it to happen I say go for it!

sounds to me as if S is looking for the guy you USED to be before the fall-out with the other ex, find THAT guy again and make it happen. If it doesnt, big deal, you gave it a shot and move on.

the only other choice is to live in misery...its your call

[SimTek]

Hey, this has all the makings for a classic f*** buddy. It's obvious that she's moving on (telling you about problems with other guys). So move on yourself and you two can "comfort" each other during the slow times.

[To be named later]

Dude, honestly.....you would benefit from seeing a therapist. You have some issues that are not going to be solved on a messageboard.

One, you let your life be dictated by your relationships with the opposite sex (You altered your college education to be near a gf.......you rarely left the apartment after breaking up)

2nd, you holed yourself up in your apartment, giving up on any life outside of classes, for what sounds like a LONG time. That is not healthy.

It's not healthy to be so manic, going from one extreme (locked up in the apartment) to another extreme (going out every night)

Now my question is, what should I be doing? I obviously still care for her a lot and want her back but I do not want to be so aggressive that I push her away. What kind of balance should I be looking for? I also think it’s important to know that when we did break up she told me that because of the type of person I was she did not love me anymore, but obviously we would not have hooked up on Saturday if there weren’t any feelings left.

What to do?
First, consider the possibility that that you did not hook up Saturday because she still has feelings for you.
Consider that it may be nothing more than some easy, no-strings attached sex.
Consider that your ex was having current boyfriend troubles, and a little EX -boyfriend sex might make her feel better. Rebound type stuff.

Don't read too much into it........no college kids turn down easy, no strings attached sex.

But seriously........see a professional.

[Matias]

Forget her. She´s in the past. Don´t look back. Move on.

[Flipmode Master]

Advice Part 1 - Don't take advice of people you can't see......


I guess thats counts me. ...ASK family, friends and co-workers.

[SAScrub]

Can someone please post a brief overview of the situation. The original novel was entirely too long for me to read.

[RickV]

Originally Posted by SAScrub

Can someone please post a brief overview of the situation. The original novel was entirely too long for me to read.

yeah, Pizbo's Relationship for Dummies and Cliff Notes will be available soon at Borders.

[SAScrub]

Originally Posted by RickV

yeah, Pizbo's Relationship for Dummies and Cliff Notes will be available soon at Borders.

Thanks.

I saw that he had sex this weekend, so what seems to be the problem?

[PHANTOM21]

Originally Posted by SAScrub

Can someone please post a brief overview of the situation. The original novel was entirely too long for me to read.

basically, pizbo went into the tank after the first break-up, then his 2nd g/f dropped him like a bad habit since he more or less became a basket case after the first break-up. Now, after a few booty calls with his 2nd ex he wants to hook back up but is scurred that she might drop him like a bad habit again.

[SAScrub]

Originally Posted by PHANTOM21

basically, pizbo went into the tank after the first break-up, then his 2nd g/f dropped him like a bad habit since he more or less became a basket case after the first break-up. Now, after a few booty calls with his 2nd ex he wants to hook back up but is scurred that she might drop him like a bad habit again.

Ahhh...I wouldn't recommend entering into another serious relationship until you're entirely over your basketcaseness.

[boo_radley]

How did she respond to the brownies and meal you cooked? Those things are probably more key to your current situation than the sex you just had.

[RickV]

www.theViewformen.com

[cc99]

She doesn't know what she wants in the first place...so until she does...don't put your heart into it. You were saying S had a crush on one guy..but he stopped talking to her...then a crush on another guy who has a girlfriend...then she sleeps with you. She doesn't seem like great girlfriend material. I think she would just bring drama into your life and that isn't anyone needs. The fact you two slept together means you are putting lust before real emotions. Lots of younger people are always confused with sex/lust and true love....scratch that.......people of all ages nowadays are confused with sex and true love.

[njlovesthespurs]

Originally Posted by To be named later

Dude, honestly.....you would benefit from seeing a therapist. You have some issues that are not going to be solved on a messageboard.
But seriously........see a professional.

seeing as how this is my line of work....maybe he could benefit from a messageboard. btw....after reading some of the posts, i think a lot of these suggestions showed quality and validity.


doug: phillyspurslover said it best about mistaking this for filling a need with familiarity. ive lived through a similar issue....very similar...and honestly? i think its great that youre realizing that the old you was not right and that youre taking positive steps to make yourself better. remember- going out and partying is not "living it up". that doesnt make you, you. as for the problems with S: take things slow and go with your instinct. girls can be just as vindictive as boys and can also seek old romances just to fill their needs. dont jump to it so quickly. that whole line about her wanting to exchange stuff was bull****. flat out. if her intentions are in the right place, she'll start taking the initiative.....but of course, you need to give her that opportunity. dont start going nuts and bombarding her with things. just play it cool and always remember that you have so much more to look forward to. if it turns sour, then her true colors will come out and you'll know to go the way your feet point.

[Art Vandalay]

1st off quit bangin any of them, if they make you feel like this. 2nd drop all communication. it's over man, just accept it.

Nothing gets you over the last one, like the next one! so move on.

screw that, why live in misery? unless you enjoy it. i know you cant be hooked on some bs high school relationships.

go out have some fun, you will forget all about it.

while your sittin in misery deciding or wasting your time trying to hold on, all the others are just passing you by. go out and meet some hot college chicks