Posted Mon Dec 29, 2008 10:55am PST
by Rob O'Connor in List Of The Day
As a traveling salesman once put it, "You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows." But you do need a weathervane! And while I once dabbled as an astrologer--adding to my resume of working in fields I know nothing about--I found I was just about as accurate as anyone else. Which is to say, I couldn't possibly do a worse job as anyone else currently doing a lousy job at whatever it is they're doing. Maybe you'd like me to manage your money?
But I get paid to be a seer, a visionary, someone who cuts the cheese into fair and generous slices. Just as my predictions for last year came true--Choir Music went on one hell of a comeback tear--I fully expect these ten to be just as prescient when you look back in December.
10) Gasoline Prices Will Be Different Than They Are Right Now: Yes, whatever number you see right now hanging on a pole at your local gas station will be different throughout the year, spiking up when home heating bills spike, spiking up again when summer driving hits, spiking up when people are signing up for their "lock-in" rates and drifting down when no one really cares. This will affect the music business profoundly, since the less money in our pockets, the less money we won't have to spend on music we weren't going to buy in the first place.
9) The Economy Will Have Done Something: Will I be selling pencils on the street? Will you? If you read about the economy, it sounds like we're going to be heading towards the barter system. It might be time to save all those rubber bands your grandparents knew you'd need one day.
8) Kanye West Will Be The Spokesman For Something: I'm not saying he'll be the voice of a generation, but there might be an ED drug or a fizzy beverage that for the right price will snag this young entrepreneur's attention with a big fat paycheck. I'm hoping to be the next "Billy Mays" and sell you stuff that doesn't actually clean your shower, but sprays on nice and wet anyhow.
7) Miley Cyrus Will Record A Concept Album: This girl has got to have greater ambitions than merely being on lunchboxes and notebooks and pill dispensers. She's got to have dreams of writing an entire album about being a reigning princess back in the year 408 AD or something. I know in the age of the MP3, double albums are dead, but if anyone was going to bring back the manufacture of cardboard, it would be Miley.
6) Madonna Will Be Dating Someone Other Than Alex Rodriguez: Once she learns how futile Alex is in the clutch--as every Yankee fan can clearly attest--she'll move on to a younger, richer, more successful stud and Alex will be turned into glue.
5) The Jonas Brothers Will Discover They Have Another Brother: What's the saying, "Where's there's a will, there's a relative"? I've always had more friends come payday and I can't imagine that things would be much different for these successful young men. Surely, mom's forgetting someone and that someone is going to want to join the band if only to play the woodblock like a certain George Michael Bluth.
4) Rock N' Roll Will Fail To Make A Comeback For Seventh Straight Year: As long as Rock n' Roll continues to be the music of old people, it will fail to make inroads on today's youth. Sure, they'll see those pictures of a young Neil Young somewhere, but they'll know that he's really just someone's granddad trying to con them into parting with money they don't spend on music anyway.
3) Country Rock Will Continue To Be Ignored By Most Country And Rock Fans: This has to be the neatest genre ever. Alt.country, country-rock, call it what you will. But it manages to escape the interest of people who listen to either mainstream country or mainstream rock n' roll, leaving nothing but a bunch of middle-aged dudes who can't figure out how they've become the "lost generation."
2) The Rock N' Roll Hall Of Fame Will Continue To Induct The Wrong People: This has become automatic practically since they let Billy Joel in. They just keep finding more middle-of-the-road performers and keep ignoring the bands that the kids actually listened to. Unless you have a highly influential lobbyist able to do your bidding, and even then there are no guarantees, you're not getting in unless your name is connected to...who? Clive Davis?
1) Magazines Will Begin Coverage Of The Past Decade Before June: It's the end of the ‘00s. The decade with no name because nothing happened. Don't believe me? Wait till the magazines start hitting in mid-May remembering the decade that wasn't. If you thought it was bad living through it, wait till you live through it again! In pictures!
Ten Fearless Predictions For 2009 - List Of The Day