1. Before each filming of “Walker: Texas Ranger” Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit Chuck Norris' strength and mobility, in order to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
2. Chuck Norris once round house kicked his son for misbehaving. He hit him so hard it killed him. He brought him back to life with his powers and round house kicked him again for dying.
3. One time, Chuck Norris saw an ant walking off of his California ranch with a bread crumb. He proceeded to deliver a vicious roundhouse kick to the ant’s head. The ant disintegrated. The land surrounding the ant is now referred to as the San Andreas Fault.
4. Chuck Norris’ farts are irresistable to women. This is now canned and know as Axe Body Spray.
5. Contrary to common belief, there indeed was a man on the moon, until Chuck Norris got jealous and roundhouse kicked him in the heart.
6. It took five women three years to give birth to Chuck Norris.
7. When Chuck Norris was in elementary school, he had to write an assay on ‘courage’. He wrote two words; “Chuck Norris”.
8. Chuck Norris doesn't need the number 8.
9. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history
10. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
11. Chuck norris once urinated in a small stream in california this was soon called the great gold rush.
12. No one has ever made eye contact with Chuck Norris. Attempting to do so is asking for a roundhouse kick.
13. Chuck Norris was once drafted by the Arizona Cardinals. Chuck Norris had to be cut when it was clear to the coaches that Chuck Norris kept killing players during practice.
14. Chuck Norris had his Achilles Tendons surgically removed since they imply a source of weakness.
15. Chuck Norris once killed 182 people with only six bullets.
16. Chuck Norris once stumbled upon a website with random facts about himself. Although he was flattered, he sent an email to each person who submitted an untrue fact. Upon opening the email, a leather cowboy boot came through each computer screen and roundhouse kicked everyone within a 30 meter radius. (That is why all of these facts are true)
17. When in combat and under heavy fire, Chuck Norris wears a bullet proof vest. Not because he’s afraid the bullets will kill him, but because he’s a little ticklish.
18. Chuck Norris is the only man to have played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and win.
19. The Titanic didn’t sink because it hit an iceberg…it sunk because it hit chuck norris while he was swimming laps.
20. Chuck Norris’s urine was the main ingredient in Balco’s designer steroids, therefore Chuck Norris is actually the alltime home run king.
21. Chuck Norris once went to a casino and placed a wooden nickel on a blackjack table. The dealer raised his hand to stop him, but Chuck quickly pulled his arm down and won $4000 on a slot machine.
22. “mel hacah ne kir du biska chuck norris”—
translation: When they found me in a hole in Iraq, it wasn’t because I was scared of the troops, I heard they had sent Chuck Norris to look for me”.
23. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer
24. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.. chuck norris has not had to pay his taxes ever.
25. When Chuck Norris drinks the water in Mexico the water gets sick.
26. Chuck norris “knows” what happened to DB COOPER
27. When chuck norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to chuck,”excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole”. Chuck norris turned towards the man and said, im chuck norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by chuck norris, chuck norris roundhose kicked him in the face anyways
28. If I had a dime for everytime Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked some one in the face, Chuck Norris would roundhouse kick me in the face and take my dimes.
29. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
30. Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
31. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property
32. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
33. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding
34. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket
35. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night